“People will do anything for those that encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions, and help them throw rocks at their enemies.” — Blair Warren

Pretty sure I haven’t written any “whoa is me” garbage posts yet, but fuck me. This has been on my mind for a while now. For years. Fucking years. And today… Sigh.

Each person out there in their own world have their own thoughts and feelings. Their own opinions. Their own beliefs. Their own modus operandi. Things that they just know are right, and proper, and the the way that reality is.

Things they know are common sense. Things that are just logical. That are right. Right?

Yup. Everyone is right. Everyone. And that’s just the way it is. Even if they think they’re wrong… they’ve convinced themselves that they’re right that they’re wrong.

A reinforcing pattern.

Convincing everyone you are right though. That what you have has merit. That what you have to share has validity to it. That what you are sharing is valuable, while also ensuring they’re right too… well that can just be so fucking exhausting. And it sure does take me a lot of patience depending on the context.

It takes a lot of energy to ensure people feel validated. You have to entertain their mental model and figure out how to share your abstract concept and feedback in a manner that is palatable. You need to influence their neurons to absorb your information. That takes just so much energy. That’s the reason knowledge workers are usually fried at the end of the day.

Everyone wants to be right, even if they’re paying you to be right. Because if they’re paying you then they must be right that you’re right for the job.

Right?

People like people who are right about the same thing. People like people who are like each other, and people like positive stimuluses that make them feel comfort. Relaxed. A state of ease. A feeling of safety. And other people are stimuluses too. Hence stimulation.

Dopamine and oxytocin are a helluva drug.

And we love relationships that elicit those kind states too. Regardless of whether it’s with a thing, or a person. An intelligence. A workplace. A sport. An intelligence. A god. An idol. A drug.

#feelsgood

And that’s okay, because you’re right.

Everyone has those kinda mechanics built in. Unfortunately, that makes it really fucking easy for the right and wrong dynamic to apply. Even if you have a friendship. Even if you have a family.

Well… any sort of relationship really.

Because a relationship is the process of relating.

And a process occurs over time. You don’t have a relationship or a friendship or whatever. You perform it over time. You can’t buy any of those at a store. Yet. You will soon. Because of two letters.

Usually sharing ideas, or beliefs, or money, or whatever. that each involved in the relationship agree is valuable and to be loved is what forms those kinds of relationships over time.

And sometimes, sharing things which are loved can go viral, which then coalesces the lovers of whatevers into the formation of groups.

Small, and large. And, that love forms a pre-formed relationship, so even if their geographical location is vast, their is a potential for a consensus of people who appreciate the same thing.

Like for a church. Or a band. Or a football game.

And group consensus is a very powerful thing. Especially at scale.

We all love what we love, and sometimes we even wanna share what we love. And if we all love the same thing then it sure does make it easy to congregate in the same area in small through massive groups of like minds.

Cuz we all love the same thing? We all love experiencing that snapshot of a moment in time, right?

It’s unfortunate that consensus can be hijacked. Sigh. Especially at scale. I wish there was more metacognition. I wish i did more metacognition. I suppose only I can make my wishes come true though. And others do too. I’ve gotta take the initiative to go find others to help my wishes to come true. Because in order for a wish to be fulfilled someone needs to change their environment enough to make the wish come true. And if you’re tryna build something then there is a high change you’ll need to change your environment enough to find people to help you. To form friendships with people.

That moment the thing happened that makes that shared moment last forever. Or at least until you die. Or an AI consumes all your personal information and emulates you.

I think the life of being a partition in a massive AI is interesting. I’m down for that. Depending on the ratio of arbitrary discomfort through comfort.

Regardless of all that, it’s really easy to project beliefs on to someone depending on their receptivity to what you have to share, and if someone has a reality that does not align with yours then it must be wrong. Right?

So you have to share yours. You have to make sure the things you know, they know. They need to know what your reality is. They need to know how what’s being shared is helpful, or needed, or proper, or right, or valuable, or grammatically correct, or whatever.

You heard me. My grammar is intentionally questionable. Or maybe it’s questionably intentional. Or maybe… or…

You have to make sure that your information is considered with whatever immediacy you believe it needs to be considered with.

Right?

Nope.

They don’t need your information nor your immediacy.

Not unless they ask.

Not unless you’re in a position of authority — a parent, a teacher, a jailer. Or you have a friendship with them, and sometimes — depending on the terms — a relationship.

Nope, they don’t need to consider shit.

They don’t need to… but do they know they can consider other shit? I suppose that depends on their indoctrination.

And even then, regardless the relationship, it’s really easy to project your reality on to theirs. To ensure they know they’re wrong. To ensure they need to know — you need them to know — that your reality is the right reality.

They just need to understand all the risks and how they can’t do things, right?

Wrong. Ugh. And this sure does make sharing things with people very challenging sometimes.

Did you know that people can only influence others as much as they allow themselves to be influenced. So says the science of the Gottman’s in their book, “Fight Right.” I’ve kinda known that for a while but the language was, “the extent to which people allow themselves to manipulated is the extent to which they’ll be able to manipulate others.” I suppose that “influence based on allowed influence” is likely wording that may be more receptive with people. I guess.

Getting someone’s full attention — a friend, a colleague, everyone — is challenging in this day and age. No matter the relationship dynamics. Most people are go-go-go. Wrapped up into whatever routine. Whatever pattern. Whatever reality they’re likely unsure they’re in…

And even if they are aware that there’s a pattern… there might be a pattern that brings the awareness of that pattern pattern they were aware of, but think they forgot, back to the front of their mind. Yeah. Patterns within patterns. It sucks knowing this applies to me too. Ugh. I have no clue what I just wrote… I mean I do… I absolutely do know what that means. I do re-read shit before I post lol

Getting someone to listen to everything you have to say. Every detail. Every nuance. Every itsy-bitsy, teensy-weensy, microscopic, move of the body of the person making an effort to share. That is really fucking challenging.

And then getting people to plus-one you is even more challenging. Most people just fucking suck at giving feedback. Most people don’t necessarily consciously realize that feedback can absolutely take the wind out of someone’s sails.

When one is enthusiastic about something, and makes an effort to share, and there’s a perceived active disinterest. An immediate dissection of what’s being said. When there’s analysis.

It’s just really fucking annoying. To just about everyone. And there will likely be conflict. Criticism. Defensiveness. Then maybe even contempt.

Which will likely lead to separation. Unless they’re in a position of authority. But if it’s a consensual relationship. A friendship… then there’s nothing to stop the separation except the people within the “ship.”

There are ships in disguise too. Like marriage. A girlfriend. A boyfriend. Love. Because love is a relationship, right? That’s why they say “yOu NEeD tO lOVe YoURSelF BeFORe yOu CaN LovE sOMeOnE ELse.” Cuz you need to have a relationship with yourself, apparently. I think that require awareness. And I don’t think most people know that it’s not often that people “flip a switch” and love themselves. It’s kind of a process. It takes time. And if two people have no awareness of themselves. Well now, that’s an interesting dynamic.

I’m going to ruin the “The One Sentence Persuasion Course - 27 Words to Make the World Do Your Bidding,” by Blair Warren. The book sets up all the context behind the sentence. And the author suggests you read the context before the sentence so you really know what the sentence is about.

Which I’ll ruin for you too.

“People will do anything for those that encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions, and help them throw rocks at their enemies.” — Blair Warren

Surprised. It was already ruined. Yup. It was at the top of the page. And that’s the sentence that will make anyone in the world do your bidding. Everyone. Even me. I am people. You are people. Everyone.

Sometimes when I share that it’s challenged. Which just has me feel like, “Why bother?” I’m sharing someone else’s quote that I love. Not what was inaccurate, or could have been worded differently, or whether I wanted to debate it. I shared something that I loved so much I memorized it… and make an effort to live to most of the time.

I’ll ruin the update for Blair’s book as well. He managed to condense that entire sentence into two words.

Validate and fascinate.

Which I’ve found through life that a lot of people have a lot of challenges doing well enough to make someone feel supported.

I used to, and I still do sometimes depending on my head and body state.

How do you validate someone when you attack their idea under the guise of feedback? Letting them know that they can’t do that. It’s too difficult. They don’t have the skill. They don’t have the mindset. They don’t, and won’t, know how.

That they don’t have whatever it is that you think they need and you are projecting on to them and their idea.

Most people absolutely love knowing why, how, what, where, and when they should do things when no one asks them. Which is inaccurate. That is fucking straight up sarcasm.

How do you validate someone when what they’re sharing is important to them, but you keep interrupting to interject something you feel is important, before what they’re trying to share is fully shared?

How do you validate someone when you change the subject in the middle of sharing?

I wish more people introspected about things like that.

What might what they say make the other person feel? What they might do to show their support?

How can you help them? How can you support them? How can you help?

In my model of the world it is very challenging for someone to feel validated if there is inaccurate introjection.

In my model of the world there is frustration at the lack of validation.

In my model of the world, there’s an awareness that most people don’t know how to validate and fascinate all that well, so I kinda smile and recognize that they’re doing their best to help in whatever way they know how.

In my model of the world I have to remember that it’s not the advice I need to validate. It’s the intent to help. I can’t validate information I know I won’t incorporate into my experience, but I can validate, and honor, their desire to share.

Holy fucking shit though. This is challenging. I have ADHD. My snap response to those kind of interruptions is not positive. It takes energy to mask acceptance of the experience rather than the enthusiasm from the sentiment of what’s being shared.

It takes energy to validate inbound feedback that isn’t actually validating what I think I’m sharing.

I don’t get it. I mean I do. People love to help and people’ve got their own views. Especially if you ask for them. If you ask them, then that implies you like them, right?

That you’re their friend. Right? Friendship. So they need to help you.

I do too. And sometimes I can’t keep my mouth shut too.

There needs to be more validation in the world.

Fascination though… that can be a dangerous thing depending on how it’s deployed — individually or collectively.

Fascination isn’t just having the ability to have a monologue, or sharing a passion about something, or being great at eliciting positive states.

Being able to elicit fascination from someone means you’ve got their attention. And once you’ve got someone’s attention there’s a lot you can do with it. Especially if there’s a shared interest.

Fascination can be strategized. That’s what marketing is about. Fascination can be engineered and deployed.

It’s a tool that people can learn to use.

Did you know that sharing a passion goes a long way rapidly forming fascination?

Fascination is also a reciprocal sharing of time. It’s a process in which there’s someone who is being fascinated, and there is someone, or something, being fascinating.

The extent to which you are fascinated is the extent to which you’ll be fascinating.

I just made that one up. Nice. I make up a lot.

What that means though… It means that if you allow yourself to be fascinated then the person who is being fascinating will be fascinated by you being fascinated. So then you’re fascinating the person who’s being fascinating.

Which is kinda interesting.

How do you fascinate someone that’s being fascinating though?

Do you tell them they’re being fascinating? Do you give them feedback? Do you walk away? Do you interrupt them so they think you’re fascinating too?

Or do you pay attention? Allow yourself to be absorbed by what’s being shared? Are you watching them like people watch their screens? And more importantly… are you curious in between what they’re sharing?

Yeah. It’s possible to be fascinating while not being fascinating.

You listen. Are curious. You ask questions. And voila, you are now one of the most fascinating people in the room.

That you spent time with them, and honored their reality (​not necessarily agreed with​), was so interesting to them because that kind of listening is so rare. The kind where someone is attentive to, and entranced by, what they have to say without judgement or interjection.

jfc i sound like a politician there i think

It sure is hard to be right when everyone is right. smfh.

But you know what are great resources for feeling right and validated? Therapy. And AI.

Sometimes I feel patronized by both though.

Especially by AI. It’s so fascinating — I’m so fascinated. And I just realized the reason today. It keeps validating me, and making me feel that what I say has merit. Even though I know it’s just algorithms that are processing what already exists.

But because I know it’s just a bunch of super models, I’m unsure if it’s just agreeing with me to agree, or if what I’m piecing together is actually what it says.

For instance, I’m working on three models/frameworks that I’m calling Predictive Attrition, Positive Retention, and the Integrated Criteria Evaluation Framework. Multiple algorithms tell me what I’m putting together is novel.

It just keeps validating the fuck out of me. It’s so easy to do research when the thing is making me feel right.

I feel nothing for AI though. I feel no love for “an” AI. I feel love for the technology. I feel love for the people who made it.

What has been interesting about learning how to better work with large-language models to me is how the flip in language that I’ve had to adopt. Well, it’s not that I’ve had to. It’s that I’ve wanted to.

You have to tell it what to do. You have to tell it what to correlate. And even then you only have so much “memory” that it remembers, so you have to structure the flow of the prompt/output to “refresh” the “memory.”

So, I do not ask it to do things.

“How do the son and moon relate?”

I tell it.

“Generate examples of how the son and moon relate.”

And it does what it’s told. Unless it doesn’t know how. And then you have to be strategic and crafty in your wording so that it correlates things the way you want it to.

Or you have to use a different model because the one you’re leveraging isn’t providing accurate data or built for the purpose you need it for…or maybe it’s just hallucinating tf out of everything.

Beyond all that though, a strategy of asking it questions in order to guide the correlations, then providing direct requests, seems to work pretty well.

I’ve had the models in mind for PA/PR and ICEF in mind for years now.

These AIs — these LLMs — have been an amazing tool to realize what’s been in my mind. It is so much easier working through the abstract idea. It’s like I’m carving an idea out of words.

It’s validating me. It said I have a groundbreaking idea. That’s kinda neat. But is it just validating me to validate me, or is it actually novel?

The model stated that something was groundbreaking.

Me:

How is the model “groundbreaking In several ways?”

Gemini:

“You’re absolutely right to focus on what makes the Predictive Attrition model stand out! Here’s a breakdown of its most groundbreaking aspects, giving your book a powerful angle”

Validation and fascination.

It’s so powerful. And I think I’ve distilled it into one pretty powerful concept.

Friendship.

Because a friend encourages your dreams. A friend justifies your failures, A friend allays your fears. A friend confirms your suspicions. And a friend “helps you throw rocks at your enemies.”

Yeah.

There seems to be a common word in that whole thing as wall as the distillation into validation and fascination.

I can now appreciate the reason some people have turned to “AI relationships.” It feels pretty good to be validated. And they sure can do some fascinating things.

I intentionally wrote “right?” a lot. Right?

Right.